Big Bubbles takes a hardline view on those participating in the current UK fuel “crisis” (Mondeo Man couldn’t fill up and drive to a sales meeting in Bradford! Crisis, crisis! Oh save him, save him! The humanity! etc). With petrol duties and tax so high, we can see only drastic action necessary to tackle the problem:

TAX ‘EM ‘TIL THEY BLEED!!

And then…

TAX ‘EM SOME MORE!

Fuel tax, road tolls, tyre tax, wiper tax, little fluffy dice tax, “my other car’s completely unnecessary” tax, VED, VAT & Volvo tax, opening-the-car-door tax, Sunday driver tax, too fucking lazy to walk tax, driving at 40 in a 30mph zone tax, driving at all tax, tax, tax, TAX!

Pull those whinging hauliers from their cabs and tickle their feet mercilessly with fine hairs ripped from the chests of angry Welsh farmers! Put tin tacks under the wheels of taxi drivers and more tin tacks on their seats and then say, “How d’you like them TACKS, then?”! Slaughter the cud-chewing cattle who every day pour through the sliding doors of Frankley Services on the M5 in search of a burger and a Twix, their polluting injection engines gently cooling and leaking oil on to the tarmac outside! Twix tax! Drag the oil barons out of their grim refineries and BURN THEM AT THE STAKE with their own barrels! And finally, bend Mr Blair over on live TV and radish him without mercy for failing to promote taxation as the essential green policy it so rightly should be. And yes, this is one point we do want to hammer home.

Finally, the Daily Mail offices will be fumigated with exhaust emissions and encased in tarmac. We think their writers enjoy that sort of thing. But we know we will.