Civilians, they’re like cockroaches,aren’t they? Squash one, there are still another ten hiding behind the sofa, which means you’ve gotta come back tomorrow night and bomb them some more…

No wait, I was getting carried away there. But you know, there’s a war on and, as the government has been explaining to us, in war it’s inevitable that some civilians will get hurt. Aw. Pity. Still, did you see those pictures of the raid the other night?!

I think we need to reintroduce some sense of proportion to these situations, and I can think of no better way than killing one government minister for every hundred Afghan civilians accidentally blown apart. Now I admit that’s hardly proportionate or fair, but then we haven’t got as many ministers to go round. However, recasting the argument in this light gives it much more impact: “In times of war, it is inevitable that some government ministers will regretfully die.” Doesn’t that spell out the horror of war much more clearly now?

Perhaps we should make it completely equitable by simply killing equivalent numbers of our own population whenever some over eager American twat mistakes a bunch of hovels for a sophisticated command and control centre. Then the Prime Minister could point out that civilian casualties are unavoidable in any war and we would understand him precisely. Of course, there is no need for innocent people in this country to be gunned down by our own armed forces, as there are now plenty of Arabs doubtless only too willing to oblige.

Anyway, I don’t accept the words of the doomsayers and bleeding hearts from the aid agencies, who claim that the present levels of “humanitarian” aid will be insufficient unless the bombing ceases. By continuing the campaign, Blair and Bush will ensure that, not only will the available food be sufficient for the remaining Afghan population, but there might even be a surplus! Mr Blair has made it quite clear that the bombing and the aid go hand in hand. After all, the effects will be much more pronounced if we first weed out the old, the sick, women and children, who tend to die anyway in wartime. But that’s inevitable.

Thank christ the forces of justice and freedom are white, Western and civilised, otherwise they might be mistaken for terrorists.