First Direct suggests naming a star after someone - £39.20 buys an unframed certificate of registration and an astronomical chart (astronomical meaning “Christ, how much for that scrap of paper?!!”). The telescope you’ll need to view the star, as they’re all “outside naked eye visibility”, is not provided.

A Q&A section says: > Can I buy a star?
The stars belong to all of us or none of us, whichever you prefer, and they are not for sale. Naming a star is a symbolic gift which does not involve any legal title/ownership. …Which is a good thing, because otherwise people might be tempted to sell real estate or advertising space on them, right? Worse, someone might expect to bring it home, which could cause major gravitational anomalies and eventually a painful, fiery death for all of us. If we don’t drown in a tide of rampant consumerism first.

Libellous and offensive comments made on the Friends Reunited web site about former teachers were “going to land someone in very hot water” promised David Hart, president of the National Association of Head Teachers. “I mean it,” he went on, “Unless the person who wrote these remarks owns up this minute, the whole Internet will be back here at four o’clock for detention!”

Following several minutes of silence punctuated by a few giggles at the back, Mr Hart, described on an FR memory board as “Stinky Fart”, exploded, “Right, that’s it! See me after school! I will NOT have teachers insulted by a rabble like you lot!”

“You heard Mr Hart,” added his deputy, Phil Nevvins, who has “a nice tight arse” according to a former pupil of his boys school.

Steve “Panko” Pankhurst, joint owner of the FR website, said “We are monitoring the situation very closely,” although he went on to admit that he had only started the site as a means to make anonymous allegations of sexual urges for small boys against a former art teacher.

“Pankhurst, see me in my office. I hope you’re wearing thick trousers.” said Mr Hart in reply.

As part of its ongoing “war on terror”, allied forces last night carried out a bombing raid on Alton Towers, the Staffordshire theme park. Citing “the widespread use and propagation of terror as a means of furthering their aims”, NATO commanders authorised a three hour bombing mission designed to knock out key targets in the enemy zone.

“We have successfully disabled the Oblivion and Enterprise rides,” declared British defence spokesman Geoffrey “Geoff” Hoon. However, he was concerned that the Black Hole remained operational as, “it has always terrified me and my kids in particular.”

During the raid, bombs also fell on a nearby care home, a local church and most of Wolverhampton city centre, which was devastated. Hoon claimed that the damage was the result of “regrettable but inevitable targetting errors”, although he added that he was not particularly upset about Wolverhampton.

Pah,, those stupid Yanks couldn’t hit the side of a bu … oh.

As allied forces continue to press a massive humanitarian relief campaign in Afghanistan, Ethiopia and several other third world countries claimed that hunger and poverty were “no longer as severe as first thought”. The Ethiopian Interior Ministry released a statement which said that studies had proved that humanitarian relief required “no sharp or sudden increases” and efforts should “continue to be discreet and certainly not targeted in any form, please.” Specifically, “military assistance in delivering food and other essentials was not required.”

Told that the British Prime Minister had specifically singled out Africa in a recent speech as a continent requiring special measures to relieve suffering and inequality, N’bibi Malabi, a forty year old shopkeeper in the Ethiopian capital, said, “Oh god, why pick on us now?” as he frantically began excavating a bomb shelter behind his store. “There’s no oil here, you know!” he added, loading his children on to a neighbour’s truck that was headed for the border.

Civilians, they’re like cockroaches,aren’t they? Squash one, there are still another ten hiding behind the sofa, which means you’ve gotta come back tomorrow night and bomb them some more…

No wait, I was getting carried away there. But you know, there’s a war on and, as the government has been explaining to us, in war it’s inevitable that some civilians will get hurt. Aw. Pity. Still, did you see those pictures of the raid the other night?!

I think we need to reintroduce some sense of proportion to these situations, and I can think of no better way than killing one government minister for every hundred Afghan civilians accidentally blown apart. Now I admit that’s hardly proportionate or fair, but then we haven’t got as many ministers to go round. However, recasting the argument in this light gives it much more impact: “In times of war, it is inevitable that some government ministers will regretfully die.” Doesn’t that spell out the horror of war much more clearly now?

Perhaps we should make it completely equitable by simply killing equivalent numbers of our own population whenever some over eager American twat mistakes a bunch of hovels for a sophisticated command and control centre. Then the Prime Minister could point out that civilian casualties are unavoidable in any war and we would understand him precisely. Of course, there is no need for innocent people in this country to be gunned down by our own armed forces, as there are now plenty of Arabs doubtless only too willing to oblige.

Anyway, I don’t accept the words of the doomsayers and bleeding hearts from the aid agencies, who claim that the present levels of “humanitarian” aid will be insufficient unless the bombing ceases. By continuing the campaign, Blair and Bush will ensure that, not only will the available food be sufficient for the remaining Afghan population, but there might even be a surplus! Mr Blair has made it quite clear that the bombing and the aid go hand in hand. After all, the effects will be much more pronounced if we first weed out the old, the sick, women and children, who tend to die anyway in wartime. But that’s inevitable.

Thank christ the forces of justice and freedom are white, Western and civilised, otherwise they might be mistaken for terrorists.

For democracy, substitute oil supplies.

…Something that Victoria Beckham will never have to fear.

“We should offer incentives to states that are ready to join us in the fight against international terrorism,” said German chancellor Gerhard Schröder yesterday. What, pens? Mugs signed by Dubya (“It takes a great mug to spot another one!”)? T-shirts with “I’m against terrorism” on the front (and a picture of crossed fingers on the back)?

to say on recent events, as I’m still adjusting my own position on a daily basis (from “Oh god, I don’t want to die in a nuclear inferno” to “Yes, string this Bin Lid wallah up by his goolies (providing no poor starving Afghans get hurt)”). However, the humbug detector hits overload when politicians start using the word “democracy” (shades of Stalin invoking “the will of the people”), particularly in the context of “protecting” it. In most cases, substituting the words “oil supplies” for “democracy” will get you a degree closer to the truth. (Remember “restoring democracy to Kuwait” - a place where it turned out there hadn’t been much democracy in the first place, unless you equate democracy with wealth - and the people with most of that voted to flee early on.) It is at least becoming clear that Bush and Blair have seen an opportunity to garner public support for the removal of the Taliban - and it’s hard to dispute their cause.

The Middle East has been a hornets nest into which the so-called leaders of the free world have been poking sticks for years. A shame that it’s the innocents standing nearby who eventually get stung (if indeed, people trading in oil stocks daily are truly “innocent” - but even so).

Odd that “defending democracy and freedom” apparently also means curtailing them at home. Perhaps there’s only a limited supply, which has to be rationed out. Forget money and food - donate some of your basic human rights now for the suffering millions in Afghanistan!

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